Lipstick On Your Collar

Baby, It's Cold...

December 17th, 2003

Right, so, as I was saying. "I'll Be Home For Christmas" is definitely the most meaningful carol for me, but it's not my favorite. How could it be? It's depressing as hell, all on its own, and then has bonus sad memories. Now there's a song you want on mental repeat through the holiday season. Instead? I'm all about the "Baby, It's Cold Outside."

Reason one for love: it's not really a Christmas song. It's about Winter. And we who live here in the Frosty North of New England know that can be any time between, say, November and April. Which means it's way less annoying to be constantly humming than, say, "The Twelve Days of Christmas," because it's actually appropriate for longer than, you know, twelve days. (Also? I really need the world to cut it out with the bad parodies of that one. I mean, not you, specifically, but if I have to hear "The Twelve Annoying Days of Christmas" at the mall one more time, with the guy who's constantly carping about his hangover, and the lights, and all? It won't be pretty.)

And I'm not the only one to love it! A million people have covered it, from the original Esther Williams and Ricardo Montalban, to this year's contribution, Will Ferrell and Zooey Deschanel, as seen in Elf. My favorite is the Dean Martin version, because, well, you know, Dean Martin. He's a sexy dude. And you gotta have sexy singers for this song. Because it's the Sexy Carol. No, it is! It's winter, all the other songs out there are about bells and drifts and marriage-by-snowman and deer and mangers, and I don't know about you, but I listen to them and start thinking, "Hey, it's fuckin' cold out there. I don't want to be in a sleigh! I want to snuggle! Preferably with a cute member of the gender of my preference!" And I'm sure you do, too. And this is the one song that gets across the aphrodisiacal properties of the Winter Season.

And I know what you're going to say here, to disprove me. You're going to go one of two ways. You may try to use "Let It Snow" as an example, on the strength of the "If you really hold me tight" line. But, uh, no, because they're going outside. Braving the elements. Frostbite: totally non-sexy. Or possibly, you'll go the other way, and bring up "Santa Baby." But I am telling you, that is not the Sexy Carol. Because it's not really about getting a little Snow Nookie. It's about getting presents. Possibly in exchange for Snow Nookie, but can we really get behind a song about Snow Whoring? No. No, we cannot.

The other reason it's so great is that everyone can relate to it: you're with your Other, and you really do need to be somewhere else, but, you know, it's warm and lovely where you are, the Other is being really sweet, there's the possibility of a little lovin'...and oh god, you really don't want to leave. But you really, really should. So you keep trying to get out the door, or off the couch, or out of bed, but then, mmmm, kisses, and maybe you should just call into work? Everyone's been there. And if you try to tell me you never have, I'm going to think a) you're lying or b) you've never had an Other of any kind, because if you had, you'd totally have done this. Even the boys I've been sort of indifferent about have tempted me to laze. Often they succeed. I'm weak-willed, I know this.

And because I'm a sentimental, girly girl. My theatre group did a Winter Revue one year, with all the different songs, and Matt and I did this one, and oh my god. First of all, you know, I was really pleased not to be stuck doing "Winter Wonderland." Secondly, the staging was sort of quasi-tableau, and after each group had done its song they stayed on stage, doing what was appropriate for their song; the "Frosty" singers kept building their snowman, the various hall-decking and tree-trimming groups did their things...and we were on this lovely red velvet couch, in 1940s style attire smooching. I got a good hour-long makeout session out of that one, y'all. How can I not love a song that saved me from ornament hell and got my blue-collar boyfriend into a beautiful suit?

And y'all: what kind of person doesn't love a song where the guy uses the line "Think of my lifelong sorrow if you caught pneumonia and died"? Stay for nookie, or else you might die! How can we not adore that?

You can read the whole lyrics here. All lyrics are the property and copyright of their respective owners. All lyrics are provided for educational purposes and personal use only.